Trigger Warning: the f vs r word.

A couple nights ago, I was in Discord (voice chat) with a friend while playing Diablo 4 campaign mode. I said something that she misinterpreted as cussing and expressed astonishment at hearing me say the F word. I hadn’t, actually, but it’s not as if I never cuss. It depends on the situation. And also where my parents are in the vicinity of the computer room whileI’m gaming and using voice chat. I’m a pretty quiet person, and I don’t say everything that’s on my mind. When I do have something to say, I will say it. And I usually only cuss when I’m really pissed. Plus, cussing can be an art form. I remember I once presented a story in grad school for MFA workshop, and I received positive feedback on a character’s cussing, which has a nice rhythm if you read it aloud. One way to tell you’re writing well is when you read aloud the text.

Anyway. So, yup, I do in fact cuss on occasion, depending on the company and situation. But one thing you’ll never hear me say aloud when I’m gaming is the R word. Gamers use the R word frequently out of context and without sensitivity to other gamers, regardless of gender, background, and life experience. You will never hear me say that I was “raped,” “molested,” “ass raped,” or any other connotation of sexual assault, when my in-game character is killed by another player, ambushed by mobs, or owned by a boss. Whenever I hear the R word used in such trivial content, I can’t stop thinking about it for days or weeks.

One time in Shadowlands Season 4 in WoW, I was tanking Upper Kara with a resto shaman healer on Area 52, and my vengeance demon hunter was having a hard time staying up against a boss, probably because we didn’t have enough interrupts and were carrying some casters. (I was usually carrying casters when I played with those fckers.) The healer kept saying I was getting raped by the boss. It wasn’t the first time he described my tank as being raped when I was taking a lot of damage. But that time, I started to get super pissed. I couldn’t take it anymore… him saying I was getting raped by a boss in a video game. I wanted to scream at him to shut the fuck up, but I couldn’t explain why in front of other players. Why would the constant repetition of him saying I was being raped make me so angry and want to smash his face in.

Instead, I sent that resto shaman a private message in Discord requesting he never use that word around me again to describe my tanking. I told him I have PTSD and that word upsets me, and the reason I hadn’t told him before was because I didn’t want to have to explain to him something that is so personal I can barely say the word myself out loud. I felt angry and resentful that I even had to explain this. I was probably crying when I wrote that message. Why can’t people use common sense? Why can’t people think about what they say and how it can affects other people? Why can’t people be more self-aware?

I don’t think I’m being oversensitive about this. In the real world, 1 in 6 American women has been a victim of an attempted or completed rape (https://www.rainn.org/statistics/victims-sexual-violence). Gaming culture is toxic AF, and the sad thing is people, even the nicest people, don’t even know it when they’re being toxic.

I quit

I quit my guild in WoW again. I think this is the 3rd time in the past couple years that I’ve quit the guild I’ve been with since 2013. Except this time, I think is the last time. I don’t think I’m going back. I’ve burned too many bridges so to speak. I’ve just been so unhappy in WoW lately. I keep making the same impulsive, emotional decisions over and over. And I think I know the reason. I’m looking for an emotional connection (like Mazikeen from the TV show Lucifer…) in all the wrong places. I don’t know how to make new friends. I don’t know where to find them. And I’m definitely not going to them in a video game where the people I game with only show up on raid night. I need to make friends and emotional connections with real people in real life. This is why I’ve been so unhappy in WoW. It’s basically the only place where I talk to people other than my parents, but it’s not fulfilling. I am pretty sure my guildies will go on with their lives; it makes no difference whether I’m raiding with them or not. They all have lives, friendships, and relationships, and people of their own. I pretty much do not have much of a life. I don’t have anyone to talk to really. And I want to matter to someone. Even in WoW, I want to feel valued. I want people to like me. I think this is why I try so hard to be good at tanking in WoW, because everyone likes a good tank. I don’t know how to make me a better life, how to feel better about myself, how to be happy. I just feel so alone sometimes. And I do the things like gaming and watching my TV shows to not think about how lonely I am, to not feel all this emotional pain. Even though I live at home, with my parents, I feel so very isolated. Maybe, I should try writing again.

After the First Dose, a long story and in all honesty

I received the first dose of the Covid-19 Pfizer vaccine yesterday at my local CVS. I had been really anxious to get the vaccine because lots of reasons. It’s a very new drug. It hasn’t been around long. The side-effects sound scary. I was very scared to get the vaccine. But it’s the common sense thing to do, the smart thing, the responsible citizen thing to do, because getting Covid and transmitting it to our other fellow citizens is worse. There’s that thing in your brain that tells you it’s the moral thing to do.

But for me, there’s also that thing in my brain that is very scared and anxious because I’m the kind of person that doesn’t actively seek out pain. I avoid pain as much as possible. Physical and emotional pain. When WoW and the people in WoW make me feel like shit, I quit. If a psych drug causes side-effects that I can’t stand, I stop taking it. Because it’s not the end of the world if I quit WoW. It’s not the end of the world if I quit a new drug my psychiatrist wants me to try. There are lots of other options, and I’m not a really big danger to myself or others.

I’ve been binge watching Lucifer on Netflix the past couple weeks. It’s so addictive and entertaining. Every episode ends on a cliffhanger. It’s funny af, the main characters are interesting and likeable, but strangely emotionally compelling. But what/who I’m really drawn to is the protagonist/antihero. He’s the Devil with a heart of gold. He is charming, self-absorbed, narcissistic, hedonistic. He was the lord of Hell, but something inside him wasn’t feeling it anymore. So, he left Hell and came to Earth, where he enjoys a very privileged and hedonistic lifestyle, which I don’t see as necessarily a bad thing. He’s not hurting anyone, he’s just a bit shallow.

Or rather, his lifestyle is a bit shallow. He, the Devil, Lucifer is more complicated than that. He’s going through some kind of transformation and doesn’t know who he is anymore and who he wants to be. Enter the love interest, Detective Chloe Decker, who makes him vulnerable, physically and emotionally. When he’s around her, he is no longer immortal and all to human. Every time he gets close to her, he pulls away or pushes her away. Because he’s afraid of his feelings, he’s afraid of getting hurt, he’s afraid of the pain. And he really, really doesn’t like the person he thinks he is. Chloe of course is his foil, his kryptonite; I love how romance tropes (love changes you, love saves the world, soul mates, love at first sight, fated mates, found family, reforming the rake, etc.) work in the series.

Anyway, so, I feel like I can relate to Lucifer’s fears of being vulnerable and getting hurt and how he tries so hard to avoid any kind of emotional distress.

I wasn’t eligible for the vaccine until mid-April, but I put it off for a month. There were reasons excuses reasons. I didn’t want to take the vaccine before my mammogram, because I didn’t want to mess up the mammogram results (no cancer btw). My local pharmacy was fully booked, and I didn’t want to go out of the way to get the vaccine. I have anxiety about going out. So, it had to be easy and close to home. Also, no waiting in lines. But even though I was scared of the side-effects and I didn’t want to get the vaccine, I felt that I had to take it. I would be a hypocrite if I didn’t. A coward. People would get mad at me. People wouldn’t like me. I wouldn’t be a real progressive. I wouldn’t be on the right side.

So, when my local pharmacy where I get all my drugs, finally had availability for the Pfizer vaccine (because I didn’t want J&J after the stories of the side-effects and because Pfizer is supposedly the most effective and safest), I made an appointment and got the first dose of the vaccine yesterday. I was really, really, really scared, and very, very anxious. The shot didn’t hurt. It was just a prick. I waited for fifteen minutes. I wanted to wait a little more but my dad was getting impatient. When I got in the car, I started feeling like the right side of my face was puffy and kind of numb. I kept asking my dad if my face looked swollen. He told me not to worry about it, it would go away. It went away the next day, this morning around 5am, so it wasn’t that bad.

My mom also checked in on me last night before I went to sleep. She told me it was kinda puffy, but it was okay. Then, today, she said she had only told me that it wasn’t that bad because she didn’t want me to worry. She thought my face had looked swollen. This morning, when I woke up, my back felt really itchy and I had a rash/hives on my stomach. I kept napping during the day, the itchiness and stomach rash went away. My arm feels sore but it’s not like the horror stories I’ve heard where it’s so painful you can’t sleep. It doesn’t feel like I got punched in the arm. I mean, compared to my neck and shoulder pain, it’s much bearable. With the shoulder and neck pain, it’s sometimes so bad that I dread getting on the computer, playing WoW or whatever else interests me.

Anyway, I was a little paranoid today because of the itchiness and rash this morning and the face swelling yesterday. I called my doctor’s office and they said they would ask the doctor and call me back. While waiting, I did some research on the CDC website. It said:

If You Have a Non-severe Allergic Reaction to a COVID-19 Vaccine

If you had an immediate allergic reaction after getting a shot of a COVID-19 vaccine, you should not get a second shot of that vaccine, even if your allergic reaction was not severe enough to require emergency care. If the reaction was after an mRNA COVID-19 vaccine (either Pfizer-BioNTech or Moderna), you should not get a second shot of either of these vaccines. An immediate allergic reaction happens within 4 hours of getting vaccinated and may include symptoms such as hives, swelling, and wheezing (respiratory distress). Your doctor may refer you to a specialist in allergies and immunology to provide more care or advice.

Reading that, I felt I would be validated if I didn’t take or want to take the 2nd dose. (Here is a good place to insert therapist, who says my feelings are valid and there’s nothing wrong with the way I feel.) The doctor’s office called me back, they said if the allergies got worse I should call them back and I can take an antihistamine or the doctor could prescribe something that I can’t remember the name of. But the itchiness, swelling, and rash are all gone, so I told them I didn’t the meds anymore and I didn’t need to see the doctor. I just wanted to know if I should take the 2nd shot because I had face swelling within 4 hours of getting vaccinated. They said I could still get the shot but it was my choice.

So, here I am, again, faced with moral dilemma. If this is my body, if this is my choice, is it anyone’s business but mine? Am I accountable to the government, my neighbors, friends and family? Should I be shamed, feel shame and embarrassment, if I don’t take the 2nd shot? Right now, I feel really tired and overwhelmed. I’ve been sleeping a lot but not feeling rested when I wake up. I totally feel overmedicated. And I’ve been on a lot of different meds in my life so I know what overmedicated feels like. It will probably be okay if I take the 2nd shot, if I have an allergic reaction I could take some antihistamine or I will wait longer at the pharmacy and talk to someone there if I feel the swelling again.

But I just don’t want to go through all that. I freaking hate this pandemic, how trapped it makes me feel. If we had gotten control of Covid from the start, if people had been wearing masks from the start, the pandemic wouldn’t have gotten so out of control. I really, really don’t wanna get another shot in the arm that makes me feel like this. Not to mention, I have been moody af all day. Feel like crying, feel really irritable. Idk if the vaccine is messing with my mood, hormones, or psych meds. Some people in a romance community discord I joined have reported getting their periods early, and there is actually a research study being conducted to look into how Covid affects people’s menstruation cycle.

So, what I am going to do about the 2nd shot? Right now, I don’t feel that bad. The side-effects haven’t been that bad either. I’m not at a high risk of getting Covid or transmitting Covid, because I hardly go out. I literally only go out to doctor’s appointments. My dad picks up my medications, or I have them delivered. If I’m fully vaccinated, I can go out, be less afraid of getting Covid, not have to wear a mask. But to me, wearing a mask is not a hardship. And even if I were fully vaccinated, I’d still wear a mask.

There’s a lot of pressure to get vaccinated, from the government, from friends and family. But I think it really is a personal decision, because it is a medication, and it is your body. To me, a moral dilemma. It reminds me of the time I had gotten an abortion. I was 19, in college. It was an unplanned pregnancy and a very tough choice. Maybe… Maybe, that’s why I’ve been crying a lot today.

Quitting, Not Really ;)

So, I did not quit tanking or playing WoW after all. One of my friends advised me to just have fun and not worrying about tanking or completing in time, just play with the guildies and have fun. We won a few and lost a few, and it was hard work, but finally, I got the achievement on my own. Needing Tol Dagor +15 or higher, I pugged it yesterday on my warrior tank Malec and timed it. It was a good group and clean run for a pug 🙂 I was so happy I finally accomplished the Battle For Azeroth: Keystone Master Season 4 achievement. The reward was the Awakened Mindborer mount. (As well as rank 4 of the Focusing Iris and Anima of Death essences.)

 

 

 

Another friend in WoW and IRL (I actually met her in person when she came to visit me in November. She lives about 40 mins away) is leveling alts with me. She is leveling a pally tank, while I am leveling a monk healer. First time trying healing. Monk heals is pretty fun.

Needless to say, I haven’t been doing much writing. My shoulders and back have been hurting a lot lately from chasing this achievement, so I’ve been taking a muscle relaxant to help me sleep and Tylenol when I really can’t stand the pain in the daytime. I hope I will be able to relax more, now that I’ve gotten that achievement out of the way. I only wish I had recorded that last dungeon I timed. It was just such an awesome win, I did some of my best tanking on that run IMO.

Other than that, again, it’s been really hard to think and focus because of Covid. I’ve been feeling a little depressed, stressed, and tired, and I’ve been experiencing a lot of anxiety. If I can get more sleep, good sleep, I’ll feel more alert and have more energy. I definitely need to relax more.

Good Morning, 2020

So, I have this goal to write a little bit everyday. I’m a writer, but I’m not being a writer, or I haven’t been a writer for the past few years. Not writing doesn’t make me feel productive. Useful. Purposeful. When I’m not writing, creating, I basically feel like there’s no reason for me to be here. It’s frustrating how hard it’s been to write lately. It’s been so hard to express myself. I don’t know if it’s the psych meds, or if it’s the illness, but it sucks. I have ideas; I just have a hard time writing them in a way that makes sense to me. Especially when I think about my past and the things I want to say about my past. Everything gets jumbled up in my head. Writing used to be easier. I think living at home makes it harder for me to write, because it’s overall more difficult to be myself here. I can’t be myself around my parents. I feel like I’m always holding things in. I can’t scream or cry when I’m angry or sad, when they do something that makes me feel really discouraged about my life. I’m grateful that my mom got us another puppy, she let me choose which one and said the second one was for me. Because she’s all concerned about me being alone when they are out of town and when they go on their vacations and trips. But I have all this back pain and my knee hurts and I can’t be all active and playing with the dog and being with him a lot in the daytime. During the day, the dogs are mostly downstairs playing or sleeping, and doing all the things dogs do, but my parents, especially my mom, are gonna be with them most of the time. They play and nap with her when she’s downstairs. I usually feed the dogs, and I come downstairs to see them or play with them and take them out to the garden, where I do my little walks. I get very confused and sad because the puppy really likes my mom too. She has a bigger personality than me, and she is all loving and affectionate with Liam. Both of my parents are very hyper and easily excitable and expressive. They also yell a lot at each other, like they don’t hold back their feelings at all. They don’t care if they’re polite to each other or not. (However, if I say something that’s not so polite, my mom will get mad at me, and probably give me the silent treatment and make me feel guilty.) Anyway, my mom is loud and very communicative with Liam, always petting him and telling him how much she loves him and acts very excited to see him. I am not like that at all. Neither is my brother. He came over with his wife and their dog during Christmas, and looking back, I realize just how soft-spoken and gentle he is, especially with Liam. He doesn’t raise his voice at his wife or dog, but he will be emphatic if their dog Cammie is misbehaving, and I did see him scold his wife a little, but he never raised his voice. Meanwhile, my parents are always shouting and so loud in the house. Anyway, my point is, I am an introvert, I have a hard time making friends, for a lot of reasons, one being that I never really learned how because my dad was in the Navy when I was growing up and we moved around a lot. I learned how to adapt to not keeping friends or expecting friendships to last or to expect anything from having friends and not feeling like I needed friends or wanted friends because I would just get sad when we moved again and then I would lose them. But now I am having a hard time dealing with these feelings I have for the puppy. I love my puppy. I like it when he sleeps in my room. Before, he used to sleep in the playpen, but now he can sleep in my bed, because he doesn’t have to pee or poop as often. He is very sweet and affectionate. But he’s not like my brother’s dog Cammie to who follows my brother’s wife everywhere. Cammie is really attached to Elsa. And I guess I wanted something like that. Where I had a dog that had really bonded with me. And loved me more than anyone else. But when I see how he is with my mom, I get sad and I get angry, because I wish my mom could have for once in her life let Liam be my dog. For once, maybe she could have restrained herself, had more control or something, instead she has to have everyone love her. She can’t stand it if people don’t like her or criticize her. And she really sucks with boundaries. I didn’t want my parents to feed the dogs when they’re begging at the table, because it would be hard to potty train them and all that. But they didn’t listen to me, and what can I do, since it’s their house and their money. But if Liam were my brother’s dog or his wife’s dog, would my mom treat Liam as if he were hers? It just makes me depressed sometimes. I don’t even feel comfortable here at home. I don’t hang out downstairs in the kitchen and TV area, unless I’m gonna eat. The couch is uncomfortable. I can’t hang out downstairs for too long before my back and knees start to bother me, and my parents and their personalities start to bother me. Not to mention, it’s my parents’ space, not mine. My things are upstairs, my room is my place, it stores my real self, my inner self, my inner life. It’s where I feel safe and comfortable. Maybe if I weren’t disabled, if I didn’t have this pain, I would be able to hold onto my dog’s affections more. My brother told me I should feed him treats more often, but Liam is very picky and anyway he likes the real people food my mom gives him more than treats. I don’t know what to do, I don’t like to stay downstairs I have nothing to do there and I don’t really enjoy interacting with my parents since they tend to stress me out, but mostly I just don’t want to feel this way. I don’t want to feel sad or angry, I don’t want to feel like I’m losing my dog. A while ago, we had a couple dogs that used to sleep in my mom’s room. The second dog was also supposed to be my dog, and she slept in my room for the first few nights until my mom started playing with her and bringing her to play in their room with their first dog. After that, my dog wouldn’t sleep in my room. I was a little sad at first, but I had more things going on in my life. I was working and more functional twenty years ago. I was also planning to leave home and go to grad school. And I had more friends. I used to go out more. Now, things are different. So, I rambled a lot in this blog post. I hope my writing improves. But my head is a mess right now. I think the hope was that when I had my puppy I would feel happier and more like life was worth living. I didn’t have expectations honestly, I think my mom is just really worried because she doesn’t want me to be alone when they go on vacation in February. So, why does she take my dog and why is she being so close to him? I get mad when she takes him into her room to nap with her and Choco. But it seems so immature of me. I feel like such a failure sometimes. I’m sorry to anyone who read this and wanted to hear things are going well for me or wanted to read something uplifting and positive. Like a Bipolar success story. I hope you are feeling better than I am and have a lot more social support and people who respect your boundaries and your emotional needs. And I hope you have a very Happy New Year indeed.

Losing my sleep over Battle For Azeroth

I’ve only been sleeping about 5 hrs a night since the new WoW expansion Battle For Azeroth dropped 2 weeks ago. Which probably isn’t very good for either my physical or mental health.

BFA was released globally 3pm PDT on Monday, Aug 13th, and I hit max level 120 at around 3am Thursday, Aug 16th. Since then I’ve been gearing up my hunter for raid. I was geared by Sunday for mythic 0 dungeons, which drop 340 ilvl gear, and are the highest difficulty content currently available. My ilvl now is 338. The ilvl requirement for the first raid Normal Uldir releasing on Sept 4th is 330. I am definitely ready to raid.

Aside from gearing up, I have completed 4 of 5 the meta achievements for BFA Pathfinding Part 1, increased mounted speed. Now, I need revered rep with 5 of 6 factions, which will truly be a grind and take time. Getting exalted with 7th Legion is the final requirement to unlocking the Dark Iron Dwarves, a new Allied race in BFA, which I’ve no doubt I’ll get eventually. I also need to max level my Enchanting and Jewelcrafting professions, but I’m not in a rush to get there either because we have a couple other enchanters and JC’s in the guild. So, I don’t have to do all that much on my hunter. Now, I am leveling my elemental shaman, which is actually kinda fun. I’ve already got her skinning and leatherworking maxed. LW is probably the easiest crafting profession to level up.

Anyway, other than WoW, there’s not much going on in my life. Sometimes, I still feel sad and lonely, but raiding is going to be fun and is my primary social activity LOL. Though we don’t see each other in person, I can hang out with my guildies who live on the East Coast or Texas or as far as Chile.

I have done a few social activities outside the house this year. In May, my brother, his wife, and their dog Cammie came to visit. My parents usually cook good food when they come over, and it’s fun to play with the dog. Cammie is so much fun. They’ll be visiting again at the end of September.

In June, I went to my friend Char’s birthday dinner party at a Mexican restaurant. I had a very berry Sangria and a very nice apple-flavored vodka martini. Red wine and vodka martinis are my favorites. The strawberry lemon cake was so good.

In July, I went to Char’s baby shower. She had gotten married in a civil ceremony attended by her close family a couple days prior to the baby shower. She had a lot of guests, but I was happy to be there. I sat at a table with her cousin and a few other people in the garage area where it was a lot cooler. We’ve been getting really hot weather, but it’s starting to cool down now.

Char’s baby was about a month premature. My mom and I visited her in the hospital Wednesday last week. She was telling me how wonderful it is to have a baby, how in love she is with him. She was so happy. She is forty, and she had a little difficulty with her pregnancy, was on bedrest the last month. But my grandma apparently had my youngest uncle when she was forty-eight.

I don’t think I will ever have kids. I am forty-four now and my body and mind just can’t handle it. Having kids was never one of my dreams growing. Neither was getting married. I don’t know if I will ever find someone and fall in love. I don’t even know if I want to be in a relationship. I just don’t want to be alone. I had this awful dream that my parents were moving to the Philippines or something but that’s not going to happen. They are planning to visit sometime next year for 3 weeks, and my mom is really worried about me being alone in the house for that time. She is gonna try to find someone to stay with me and water the garden and stuff while they are gone.

Sometimes, I feel extra lonely and afraid that I’ll end up alone. I had a weird feeling today that I am missing out on a lot of stuff, on a lot of life, that I’m not living life fully. I don’t want to think that way. I have plenty of distractions to keep me busy. I have my writing to think about as well. I need to keep writing even though I worry it won’t be any good. To write and publish a book is the only real dream I have. Maybe I could write more than one.

I think tonight my exhaustion caught up with me. I took a long nap, but I still feel tired and achy in my neck, shoulders, and kind of all over actually.

Things will slow down in WoW when I don’t have to work as much on my hunter and can put in some time on my alts. I’ll be spending less time in WoW when things settle down. Right now, it’s a busy time because everything is new and shiny. BFA was quite a successful launch for the Blizzard team. The cinematics and animated shorts featuring some of the main characters in this expac were pretty epic and a bit emotional. I was so rooting Jaina Proudmoore and the Alliance! The storylines are more immersive this expac. I actually care about the protagonists/antagonists and finding out what happens to them in some of these long quest chains. Anduin is all grown up now and the King at Stormwind. The story this expac feels more personal and contentious as the Alliance and the Horde fight for control of resources and Azerite, which could be deadly in the wrongs hands, or faction.

Hopefully, I will be able to sleep better now and feel more rested in the mornings. The aches and pains and the mental toll of my disability and chronic pain never go away, but I try to manage them the best I can. I hope to start writing again. This writing thing is a never ending story for me.

Hello 2017!

And good riddance 2016!

I spent New Year’s Day setting up my new computer gaming system. I bought it online one-stop shopping at Fry’s, and it was delivered within an hour of my purchase. Faster than Amazon! This is an ASUS G11CD, with Intel i7, Nvidia GTX 1080, and 512 SSD drive. I also bought a Razer Black Widow mechanical keyboard, which is super neat and makes me type faster! I definitely don’t feel like I’m mashing keys in WoW anymore.

This New Year, more than ever, I am thankful for all the good things in my life, old friends and new, and my family who cares about me so much. Life is too short and I’m feeling blessed.

This Christmas, Somebody to Love

This Christmas George Michael passed away. As if 2016 couldn’t get any worse. I was having dinner at Larsen’s Grill with my parents, brother and his wife, three aunties, and one uncle. We had just finished our appetizers. I had an oyster with a glass of Cabernet. Then, I hopped onto Facebook to see what was up. That’s how I found out. My brother couldn’t believe it either. He asked me if it was fake news. But it was all over Twitter, and I was able to find solid reporting on it. How tremendously sad. I grew up listening to George Michael.

What a crazy year this has been. There’s been good times with family and friends, positives in my life, which have balanced my depression. AND my parents are getting me a puppy, which I’ll get to take home in February. But even with all my blessings in life it hasn’t been enough lately. I’ve been having trouble sleeping and crying a lot since the election, so my psychiatrist started me on a new antidepressant, Abilify, which is actually classified as an anti-psychotic but is FDA-approved to treat bipolar depression. He thinks that I’m feeling more depressed now because I’m realizing that I need more in life. He said that I’m too smart to be as isolated as I am now. That what I have now is not enough for me anymore. I think he’s right. I am missing human connection. I feel like I deserve so much more and so much better. I want to be in love, to love and be loved.

I want somebody to love.

Celebrate George Michael with me.

Volunteering

After the election, I decided to do something to make me feel better and more empowered. I felt that I had failed because the wrong person won the election and as a result a lot of people will suffer. I felt that I had to do more, to take action in my own way that will make America better. Hillary said not to give up the fight and get involved in the community, that America is good because we are stronger together.

So, I joined a women’s club that does volunteer work in the community. I heard about it from my friend, who is the president of the club and involved in many community organizations in town. So far, I’ve only attended two meetings and done one service event. It’s truly been a learning experience. I hope to become more involved and do a service event once a week. On Thursday I spent a couple hours wrapping gifts that are going to homeless families.

Here’s a selfie with my friend who has been encouraging me to go out more and get involved. She’s a wonderful, positive, super social, compassionate, self-reliant, and strong woman, and I’m grateful to have her in my life. A couple Saturdays ago, I was supposed to help out with a tree building made out of canned food for a FoodShare, but by the time I got there they had already built the tree (because I was late!). So my friend decided to take me along with her plans that day. She was on a mission to keep me out of the house for as long as she could. At the end of the night, she bought me a glass of wine at a bar in downtown. I have developed a liking for Cabernet. It was one of the best days in my life this year.