After the election, I decided to do something to make me feel better and more empowered. I felt that I had failed because the wrong person won the election and as a result a lot of people will suffer. I felt that I had to do more, to take action in my own way that will make America better. Hillary said not to give up the fight and get involved in the community, that America is good because we are stronger together.
So, I joined a women’s club that does volunteer work in the community. I heard about it from my friend, who is the president of the club and involved in many community organizations in town. So far, I’ve only attended two meetings and done one service event. It’s truly been a learning experience. I hope to become more involved and do a service event once a week. On Thursday I spent a couple hours wrapping gifts that are going to homeless families.
Here’s a selfie with my friend who has been encouraging me to go out more and get involved. She’s a wonderful, positive, super social, compassionate, self-reliant, and strong woman, and I’m grateful to have her in my life. A couple Saturdays ago, I was supposed to help out with a tree building made out of canned food for a FoodShare, but by the time I got there they had already built the tree (because I was late!). So my friend decided to take me along with her plans that day. She was on a mission to keep me out of the house for as long as she could. At the end of the night, she bought me a glass of wine at a bar in downtown. I have developed a liking for Cabernet. It was one of the best days in my life this year.
You know how I have anxiety and how I have a hard time making decisions and going out of the house, so every step I take outside the house to be around people feels big and daring and challenging. I’m tired a lot and my shoulder and back pain is ever present. Lately, I’ve been having trouble sleeping, and I keep waking up late. And I gained weight, about 5 lbs., since my brother’s wedding in October 😦 The election has been depressing and stressful, and when I get angry, especially at my parents, I look for the most sugary pastries in the house, because my parents have chocolaty and sugary stuff everywhere.
But doing these activities, the volunteer work, getting out of the house, and socializing, feels good. I feel like I have more things to live for and look forward to. I think it’s very good for my mental health. Especially if it helps me to like myself more. Most of the time I feel guilty, like I’m not good enough and not doing enough or not being a good person, and I often feel angry with my life and myself, past and present. But I also have to be aware of my limitations and set realistic goals and not push myself too much so I won’t get overwhelmed. By doing so with the serenity to accept the things I can’t change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference…
I have to say, I like hanging out with women. It is something that’s been missing in my life. The club feels very much like a safe space and everyone is nice and welcoming. Atm, I am the only female on my raid team in WoW (a couple of the women are casuals and rarely show up, though we may have a heterosexual couple joining us soon). Anyway, the men’s conversations are rather the antithesis of that in the women’s club, as you can imagine. It’s like a man cave or whatever they call it. As long as the conversation is not degrading to women, I’m okay. And you know me, if I hear something that offends me, I will speak up. In the long run, volunteering in the women’s club will be much more rewarding than a video game. I think I need to open myself up more or something. I am a guarded person.
I am also working on my fantasy novel again. It’s the same story, but I’m still trying to figure out the right words. I want to make sure I am hearing my characters and understanding them, and telling their story from their voices. I worry so much about the plot, because I can’t decide how the story should end, but I think I need to focus more on my characters’ truths. And maybe I should just see where their journey takes me.