A couple nights ago, I was in Discord (voice chat) with a friend while playing Diablo 4 campaign mode. I said something that she misinterpreted as cussing and expressed astonishment at hearing me say the F word. I hadn’t, actually, but it’s not as if I never cuss. It depends on the situation. And also where my parents are in the vicinity of the computer room whileI’m gaming and using voice chat. I’m a pretty quiet person, and I don’t say everything that’s on my mind. When I do have something to say, I will say it. And I usually only cuss when I’m really pissed. Plus, cussing can be an art form. I remember I once presented a story in grad school for MFA workshop, and I received positive feedback on a character’s cussing, which has a nice rhythm if you read it aloud. One way to tell you’re writing well is when you read aloud the text.
Anyway. So, yup, I do in fact cuss on occasion, depending on the company and situation. But one thing you’ll never hear me say aloud when I’m gaming is the R word. Gamers use the R word frequently out of context and without sensitivity to other gamers, regardless of gender, background, and life experience. You will never hear me say that I was “raped,” “molested,” “ass raped,” or any other connotation of sexual assault, when my in-game character is killed by another player, ambushed by mobs, or owned by a boss. Whenever I hear the R word used in such trivial content, I can’t stop thinking about it for days or weeks.
One time in Shadowlands Season 4 in WoW, I was tanking Upper Kara with a resto shaman healer on Area 52, and my vengeance demon hunter was having a hard time staying up against a boss, probably because we didn’t have enough interrupts and were carrying some casters. (I was usually carrying casters when I played with those fckers.) The healer kept saying I was getting raped by the boss. It wasn’t the first time he described my tank as being raped when I was taking a lot of damage. But that time, I started to get super pissed. I couldn’t take it anymore… him saying I was getting raped by a boss in a video game. I wanted to scream at him to shut the fuck up, but I couldn’t explain why in front of other players. Why would the constant repetition of him saying I was being raped make me so angry and want to smash his face in.
Instead, I sent that resto shaman a private message in Discord requesting he never use that word around me again to describe my tanking. I told him I have PTSD and that word upsets me, and the reason I hadn’t told him before was because I didn’t want to have to explain to him something that is so personal I can barely say the word myself out loud. I felt angry and resentful that I even had to explain this. I was probably crying when I wrote that message. Why can’t people use common sense? Why can’t people think about what they say and how it can affects other people? Why can’t people be more self-aware?
I don’t think I’m being oversensitive about this. In the real world, 1 in 6 American women has been a victim of an attempted or completed rape (https://www.rainn.org/statistics/victims-sexual-violence). Gaming culture is toxic AF, and the sad thing is people, even the nicest people, don’t even know it when they’re being toxic.
BEING KATINKA 