So, I have this goal to write a little bit everyday. I’m a writer, but I’m not being a writer, or I haven’t been a writer for the past few years. Not writing doesn’t make me feel productive. Useful. Purposeful. When I’m not writing, creating, I basically feel like there’s no reason for me to be here. It’s frustrating how hard it’s been to write lately. It’s been so hard to express myself. I don’t know if it’s the psych meds, or if it’s the illness, but it sucks. I have ideas; I just have a hard time writing them in a way that makes sense to me. Especially when I think about my past and the things I want to say about my past. Everything gets jumbled up in my head. Writing used to be easier. I think living at home makes it harder for me to write, because it’s overall more difficult to be myself here. I can’t be myself around my parents. I feel like I’m always holding things in. I can’t scream or cry when I’m angry or sad, when they do something that makes me feel really discouraged about my life. I’m grateful that my mom got us another puppy, she let me choose which one and said the second one was for me. Because she’s all concerned about me being alone when they are out of town and when they go on their vacations and trips. But I have all this back pain and my knee hurts and I can’t be all active and playing with the dog and being with him a lot in the daytime. During the day, the dogs are mostly downstairs playing or sleeping, and doing all the things dogs do, but my parents, especially my mom, are gonna be with them most of the time. They play and nap with her when she’s downstairs. I usually feed the dogs, and I come downstairs to see them or play with them and take them out to the garden, where I do my little walks. I get very confused and sad because the puppy really likes my mom too. She has a bigger personality than me, and she is all loving and affectionate with Liam. Both of my parents are very hyper and easily excitable and expressive. They also yell a lot at each other, like they don’t hold back their feelings at all. They don’t care if they’re polite to each other or not. (However, if I say something that’s not so polite, my mom will get mad at me, and probably give me the silent treatment and make me feel guilty.) Anyway, my mom is loud and very communicative with Liam, always petting him and telling him how much she loves him and acts very excited to see him. I am not like that at all. Neither is my brother. He came over with his wife and their dog during Christmas, and looking back, I realize just how soft-spoken and gentle he is, especially with Liam. He doesn’t raise his voice at his wife or dog, but he will be emphatic if their dog Cammie is misbehaving, and I did see him scold his wife a little, but he never raised his voice. Meanwhile, my parents are always shouting and so loud in the house. Anyway, my point is, I am an introvert, I have a hard time making friends, for a lot of reasons, one being that I never really learned how because my dad was in the Navy when I was growing up and we moved around a lot. I learned how to adapt to not keeping friends or expecting friendships to last or to expect anything from having friends and not feeling like I needed friends or wanted friends because I would just get sad when we moved again and then I would lose them. But now I am having a hard time dealing with these feelings I have for the puppy. I love my puppy. I like it when he sleeps in my room. Before, he used to sleep in the playpen, but now he can sleep in my bed, because he doesn’t have to pee or poop as often. He is very sweet and affectionate. But he’s not like my brother’s dog Cammie to who follows my brother’s wife everywhere. Cammie is really attached to Elsa. And I guess I wanted something like that. Where I had a dog that had really bonded with me. And loved me more than anyone else. But when I see how he is with my mom, I get sad and I get angry, because I wish my mom could have for once in her life let Liam be my dog. For once, maybe she could have restrained herself, had more control or something, instead she has to have everyone love her. She can’t stand it if people don’t like her or criticize her. And she really sucks with boundaries. I didn’t want my parents to feed the dogs when they’re begging at the table, because it would be hard to potty train them and all that. But they didn’t listen to me, and what can I do, since it’s their house and their money. But if Liam were my brother’s dog or his wife’s dog, would my mom treat Liam as if he were hers? It just makes me depressed sometimes. I don’t even feel comfortable here at home. I don’t hang out downstairs in the kitchen and TV area, unless I’m gonna eat. The couch is uncomfortable. I can’t hang out downstairs for too long before my back and knees start to bother me, and my parents and their personalities start to bother me. Not to mention, it’s my parents’ space, not mine. My things are upstairs, my room is my place, it stores my real self, my inner self, my inner life. It’s where I feel safe and comfortable. Maybe if I weren’t disabled, if I didn’t have this pain, I would be able to hold onto my dog’s affections more. My brother told me I should feed him treats more often, but Liam is very picky and anyway he likes the real people food my mom gives him more than treats. I don’t know what to do, I don’t like to stay downstairs I have nothing to do there and I don’t really enjoy interacting with my parents since they tend to stress me out, but mostly I just don’t want to feel this way. I don’t want to feel sad or angry, I don’t want to feel like I’m losing my dog. A while ago, we had a couple dogs that used to sleep in my mom’s room. The second dog was also supposed to be my dog, and she slept in my room for the first few nights until my mom started playing with her and bringing her to play in their room with their first dog. After that, my dog wouldn’t sleep in my room. I was a little sad at first, but I had more things going on in my life. I was working and more functional twenty years ago. I was also planning to leave home and go to grad school. And I had more friends. I used to go out more. Now, things are different. So, I rambled a lot in this blog post. I hope my writing improves. But my head is a mess right now. I think the hope was that when I had my puppy I would feel happier and more like life was worth living. I didn’t have expectations honestly, I think my mom is just really worried because she doesn’t want me to be alone when they go on vacation in February. So, why does she take my dog and why is she being so close to him? I get mad when she takes him into her room to nap with her and Choco. But it seems so immature of me. I feel like such a failure sometimes. I’m sorry to anyone who read this and wanted to hear things are going well for me or wanted to read something uplifting and positive. Like a Bipolar success story. I hope you are feeling better than I am and have a lot more social support and people who respect your boundaries and your emotional needs. And I hope you have a very Happy New Year indeed.
BEING KATINKA 