Losing my sleep over Battle For Azeroth

I’ve only been sleeping about 5 hrs a night since the new WoW expansion Battle For Azeroth dropped 2 weeks ago. Which probably isn’t very good for either my physical or mental health.

BFA was released globally 3pm PDT on Monday, Aug 13th, and I hit max level 120 at around 3am Thursday, Aug 16th. Since then I’ve been gearing up my hunter for raid. I was geared by Sunday for mythic 0 dungeons, which drop 340 ilvl gear, and are the highest difficulty content currently available. My ilvl now is 338. The ilvl requirement for the first raid Normal Uldir releasing on Sept 4th is 330. I am definitely ready to raid.

Aside from gearing up, I have completed 4 of 5 the meta achievements for BFA Pathfinding Part 1, increased mounted speed. Now, I need revered rep with 5 of 6 factions, which will truly be a grind and take time. Getting exalted with 7th Legion is the final requirement to unlocking the Dark Iron Dwarves, a new Allied race in BFA, which I’ve no doubt I’ll get eventually. I also need to max level my Enchanting and Jewelcrafting professions, but I’m not in a rush to get there either because we have a couple other enchanters and JC’s in the guild. So, I don’t have to do all that much on my hunter. Now, I am leveling my elemental shaman, which is actually kinda fun. I’ve already got her skinning and leatherworking maxed. LW is probably the easiest crafting profession to level up.

Anyway, other than WoW, there’s not much going on in my life. Sometimes, I still feel sad and lonely, but raiding is going to be fun and is my primary social activity LOL. Though we don’t see each other in person, I can hang out with my guildies who live on the East Coast or Texas or as far as Chile.

I have done a few social activities outside the house this year. In May, my brother, his wife, and their dog Cammie came to visit. My parents usually cook good food when they come over, and it’s fun to play with the dog. Cammie is so much fun. They’ll be visiting again at the end of September.

In June, I went to my friend Char’s birthday dinner party at a Mexican restaurant. I had a very berry Sangria and a very nice apple-flavored vodka martini. Red wine and vodka martinis are my favorites. The strawberry lemon cake was so good.

In July, I went to Char’s baby shower. She had gotten married in a civil ceremony attended by her close family a couple days prior to the baby shower. She had a lot of guests, but I was happy to be there. I sat at a table with her cousin and a few other people in the garage area where it was a lot cooler. We’ve been getting really hot weather, but it’s starting to cool down now.

Char’s baby was about a month premature. My mom and I visited her in the hospital Wednesday last week. She was telling me how wonderful it is to have a baby, how in love she is with him. She was so happy. She is forty, and she had a little difficulty with her pregnancy, was on bedrest the last month. But my grandma apparently had my youngest uncle when she was forty-eight.

I don’t think I will ever have kids. I am forty-four now and my body and mind just can’t handle it. Having kids was never one of my dreams growing. Neither was getting married. I don’t know if I will ever find someone and fall in love. I don’t even know if I want to be in a relationship. I just don’t want to be alone. I had this awful dream that my parents were moving to the Philippines or something but that’s not going to happen. They are planning to visit sometime next year for 3 weeks, and my mom is really worried about me being alone in the house for that time. She is gonna try to find someone to stay with me and water the garden and stuff while they are gone.

Sometimes, I feel extra lonely and afraid that I’ll end up alone. I had a weird feeling today that I am missing out on a lot of stuff, on a lot of life, that I’m not living life fully. I don’t want to think that way. I have plenty of distractions to keep me busy. I have my writing to think about as well. I need to keep writing even though I worry it won’t be any good. To write and publish a book is the only real dream I have. Maybe I could write more than one.

I think tonight my exhaustion caught up with me. I took a long nap, but I still feel tired and achy in my neck, shoulders, and kind of all over actually.

Things will slow down in WoW when I don’t have to work as much on my hunter and can put in some time on my alts. I’ll be spending less time in WoW when things settle down. Right now, it’s a busy time because everything is new and shiny. BFA was quite a successful launch for the Blizzard team. The cinematics and animated shorts featuring some of the main characters in this expac were pretty epic and a bit emotional. I was so rooting Jaina Proudmoore and the Alliance! The storylines are more immersive this expac. I actually care about the protagonists/antagonists and finding out what happens to them in some of these long quest chains. Anduin is all grown up now and the King at Stormwind. The story this expac feels more personal and contentious as the Alliance and the Horde fight for control of resources and Azerite, which could be deadly in the wrongs hands, or faction.

Hopefully, I will be able to sleep better now and feel more rested in the mornings. The aches and pains and the mental toll of my disability and chronic pain never go away, but I try to manage them the best I can. I hope to start writing again. This writing thing is a never ending story for me.

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Relationship status: It’s complicated

What I learned about myself this week:

1) I don’t trust people.

2) I don’t think people like me or would like me if they knew the real me.

3) I’m afraid of getting hurt.

4) I want to be to close to people, but I’m also scared to be.

5) I’m very lonely but I can’t decide if I should try to find someone to be with or not.

6) I have doubts. A relationship would be a lot of work, and I like my freedom. But I also miss human companionship, the physical things like hugs and kisses.

7) I can’t remember what it feels like to be in love. Maybe, I’ve never been in love.

8) I can’t remember what happiness feels like.

9) And then, I remember London.

10) I remember my first love. The one who got away because I was scared and nervous and afraid I would mess up. I was afraid he wouldn’t like me or he would end up breaking up with me or he would make fun of me or laugh at me and it would all hurt. All these teenage fears of being humiliated and rejected.

11) I think maybe I still have them today.

Hello 2017!

And good riddance 2016!

I spent New Year’s Day setting up my new computer gaming system. I bought it online one-stop shopping at Fry’s, and it was delivered within an hour of my purchase. Faster than Amazon! This is an ASUS G11CD, with Intel i7, Nvidia GTX 1080, and 512 SSD drive. I also bought a Razer Black Widow mechanical keyboard, which is super neat and makes me type faster! I definitely don’t feel like I’m mashing keys in WoW anymore.

This New Year, more than ever, I am thankful for all the good things in my life, old friends and new, and my family who cares about me so much. Life is too short and I’m feeling blessed.

happynewyear2017

Volunteering

After the election, I decided to do something to make me feel better and more empowered. I felt that I had failed because the wrong person won the election and as a result a lot of people will suffer. I felt that I had to do more, to take action in my own way that will make America better. Hillary said not to give up the fight and get involved in the community, that America is good because we are stronger together.

So, I joined a women’s club that does volunteer work in the community. I heard about it from my friend, who is the president of the club and involved in many community organizations in town. So far, I’ve only attended two meetings and done one service event. It’s truly been a learning experience. I hope to become more involved and do a service event once a week. On Thursday I spent a couple hours wrapping gifts that are going to homeless families.

gnowithcharHere’s a selfie with my friend who has been encouraging me to go out more and get involved. She’s a wonderful, positive, super social, compassionate, self-reliant, and strong woman, and I’m grateful to have her in my life. A couple Saturdays ago, I was supposed to help out with a tree building made out of canned food for a FoodShare, but by the time I got there they had already built the tree (because I was late!). So my friend decided to take me along with her plans that day. She was on a mission to keep me out of the house for as long as she could. At the end of the night, she bought me a glass of wine at a bar in downtown. I have developed a liking for Cabernet. It was one of the best days in my life this year.
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The Past Five Days

Yesterday, I had an appointment with my psychiatrist (who recently came back from visiting the Philippines, we talked about Duterte a little but mostly he complained about the smog and pollution). Anyway, he asked me if I knew about the website fivethirtyeight.com, which of course I have and which I refresh throughout the day. (I also compare 538 averages with Real Clear Politics.) My psychiatrist’s conclusion: Trump is toast. Meanwhile, no med changes for me, is good.

Personally, I think my main problem is my chronic neck and shoulder pain. It never goes away. Even if I take a break from the computer, it’s still there. It’s a constant companion and it bothers me. I wish I didn’t have all these problems in life. Things could be worse, right?

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Saturday Picture-Taking

My therapist has been encouraging me to do something different from my routine at least once a week. My routine consists of staying in my room all day, reading, working on my book review blog (which I will be discontinuing in October), watching TV (can’t wait for the new season of The Voice), and only going out to the drugstore, doctor appointments, massage therapy, and psychotherapy, and leaving my room to eat, etc. Sometimes, I go out to the garden for some sun and fresh air. Infrequently, I take 15-20 minute walks around the neighborhood.

Well, this weekend I did something totally outside my routine. My brother Eric and his fiance Elsa came to town for wedding preparations. They are getting married in October. On Friday, they went to meet the pastor, who is officiating their wedding, and the caterer. Though Eric and Elsa live in the SF Bay Area, they decided to have the wedding and reception at the Embassy Suites here in town, because we have a lot of family coming from the LA San Fernando Valley area, which is about a 45-50 minute drive versus a 6-hour drive to the Bay Area. Elsa’s immediate family, a few relatives and friends, however, we will driving down and staying in town for the wedding.
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