Worries

I worry about myself sometimes.

I only have one friend here in town but I only see her once or twice a year. I haven’t seen her since I visited her at the hospital when she had her baby. Her older sister lives literally around the block from my house. I could walk to her sister’s house but I have no reason to hang out with her sister, I’m not real close to her, and I wouldn’t even know what to say if I went over there.

I hardly go out, except to get my message every other week and go to my doctor appointments. I don’t see my therapist regularly; I see her when I’m feeling really, really bad inside and I can’t hold it in anymore and I need someone to talk to, to let it all out with. When I’m at my most depressed. I keep trying antidepressants, but my psychiatrist and I haven’t found one yet that I can tolerate. They have side-effects like palpitations or irregular heartbeat or sleepiness or anxiety or yawning all day.

I think I need more energy. More motivation to be around people. Sometimes, I feel so lonely, but I usually just find something to do. I read, listen to audiobooks, watch TV. Most of the time, I play WoW. Even when my shoulders and back are hurting. I take Tylenol so I can use the computer to play WoW. I need to do more, exercise, force myself to take a walk. I tried today. I walked around the garden, did a slow loop while I listened to an audiobook on my phone. It seems like the pain is getting worse over time.

It’s a vicious circle. The pain limits my activities. Most of the time, when I’m hurting, I just want to stay in bed, in my room. I never get enough sleep. Sometimes, I fall asleep thinking I’m not that depressed, I don’t need an antidepressant. Then, I wake up and feel all my loneliness, my aging bones, aching muscles, all the pain, and that peripheral sliver of darkness.

Sometimes, I turn on the TV to hear people’s voices, other than my parents, my inner voice, and my guildies’ voices in WoW. I have joined cross-realm WoW communities so I can meet more people, make more friends, but it’s not the same thing, is it, as having a real life friend. Someone I can call on the phone and make plans with, see a movie with, do something with that gets me out of the house.

Sometimes, I feel like I need more than this computer screen, in-game voice chat, text messages. Sometimes, I try to feel more, be more, do more, by escaping to my imagination, to the call of my novel, my characters, to have them tell stories that are reflections, I suppose, all of my feelings, wants, needs, dreams, and all the pain and memories. A fake memoir.

Though, my characters are real to me and are their own people, with their own stories, and stronger then me, I believe, because they are heroes and heroines. I want to build a great big world for them. I want them to find their happiness. I think I’m also writing their stories for people like me, those lonely, quiet people, those who need to feel something, be a part of something larger, to find inspiration in their own lives, to find their own strengths and be their own heroes or heroines.

Anyway, my shoulders hurt. I should try to sleep.

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Losing my sleep over Battle For Azeroth

I’ve only been sleeping about 5 hrs a night since the new WoW expansion Battle For Azeroth dropped 2 weeks ago. Which probably isn’t very good for either my physical or mental health.

BFA was released globally 3pm PDT on Monday, Aug 13th, and I hit max level 120 at around 3am Thursday, Aug 16th. Since then I’ve been gearing up my hunter for raid. I was geared by Sunday for mythic 0 dungeons, which drop 340 ilvl gear, and are the highest difficulty content currently available. My ilvl now is 338. The ilvl requirement for the first raid Normal Uldir releasing on Sept 4th is 330. I am definitely ready to raid.

Aside from gearing up, I have completed 4 of 5 the meta achievements for BFA Pathfinding Part 1, increased mounted speed. Now, I need revered rep with 5 of 6 factions, which will truly be a grind and take time. Getting exalted with 7th Legion is the final requirement to unlocking the Dark Iron Dwarves, a new Allied race in BFA, which I’ve no doubt I’ll get eventually. I also need to max level my Enchanting and Jewelcrafting professions, but I’m not in a rush to get there either because we have a couple other enchanters and JC’s in the guild. So, I don’t have to do all that much on my hunter. Now, I am leveling my elemental shaman, which is actually kinda fun. I’ve already got her skinning and leatherworking maxed. LW is probably the easiest crafting profession to level up.

Anyway, other than WoW, there’s not much going on in my life. Sometimes, I still feel sad and lonely, but raiding is going to be fun and is my primary social activity LOL. Though we don’t see each other in person, I can hang out with my guildies who live on the East Coast or Texas or as far as Chile.

I have done a few social activities outside the house this year. In May, my brother, his wife, and their dog Cammie came to visit. My parents usually cook good food when they come over, and it’s fun to play with the dog. Cammie is so much fun. They’ll be visiting again at the end of September.

In June, I went to my friend Char’s birthday dinner party at a Mexican restaurant. I had a very berry Sangria and a very nice apple-flavored vodka martini. Red wine and vodka martinis are my favorites. The strawberry lemon cake was so good.

In July, I went to Char’s baby shower. She had gotten married in a civil ceremony attended by her close family a couple days prior to the baby shower. She had a lot of guests, but I was happy to be there. I sat at a table with her cousin and a few other people in the garage area where it was a lot cooler. We’ve been getting really hot weather, but it’s starting to cool down now.

Char’s baby was about a month premature. My mom and I visited her in the hospital Wednesday last week. She was telling me how wonderful it is to have a baby, how in love she is with him. She was so happy. She is forty, and she had a little difficulty with her pregnancy, was on bedrest the last month. But my grandma apparently had my youngest uncle when she was forty-eight.

I don’t think I will ever have kids. I am forty-four now and my body and mind just can’t handle it. Having kids was never one of my dreams growing. Neither was getting married. I don’t know if I will ever find someone and fall in love. I don’t even know if I want to be in a relationship. I just don’t want to be alone. I had this awful dream that my parents were moving to the Philippines or something but that’s not going to happen. They are planning to visit sometime next year for 3 weeks, and my mom is really worried about me being alone in the house for that time. She is gonna try to find someone to stay with me and water the garden and stuff while they are gone.

Sometimes, I feel extra lonely and afraid that I’ll end up alone. I had a weird feeling today that I am missing out on a lot of stuff, on a lot of life, that I’m not living life fully. I don’t want to think that way. I have plenty of distractions to keep me busy. I have my writing to think about as well. I need to keep writing even though I worry it won’t be any good. To write and publish a book is the only real dream I have. Maybe I could write more than one.

I think tonight my exhaustion caught up with me. I took a long nap, but I still feel tired and achy in my neck, shoulders, and kind of all over actually.

Things will slow down in WoW when I don’t have to work as much on my hunter and can put in some time on my alts. I’ll be spending less time in WoW when things settle down. Right now, it’s a busy time because everything is new and shiny. BFA was quite a successful launch for the Blizzard team. The cinematics and animated shorts featuring some of the main characters in this expac were pretty epic and a bit emotional. I was so rooting Jaina Proudmoore and the Alliance! The storylines are more immersive this expac. I actually care about the protagonists/antagonists and finding out what happens to them in some of these long quest chains. Anduin is all grown up now and the King at Stormwind. The story this expac feels more personal and contentious as the Alliance and the Horde fight for control of resources and Azerite, which could be deadly in the wrongs hands, or faction.

Hopefully, I will be able to sleep better now and feel more rested in the mornings. The aches and pains and the mental toll of my disability and chronic pain never go away, but I try to manage them the best I can. I hope to start writing again. This writing thing is a never ending story for me.

Memorial Day Weekend 2018

This Memorial Day Weekend, Cammie, my brother and sister-in-law’s dog came to visit. Cammie is almost two-years-old now, and she has more lighter colors on her face and paws, so now you can see her eyes better 🙂 She was a lot of fun to have around this weekend. We played ball in my parents’ garden. She did get a stomach the first night here though 😦 My brother and sister-in-law thinks it was from the macadamia nuts she eat from the tree in our garden. But she was feeling much better on Sunday, happy and wagging her tail again.

Saturday, we watched the NBA Western Conf Finals on TNT because my brother and I are Warriors fans. I am pretty sure Game 7 tonight at Houston is gonna be stressful especially for my brother. On Sunday, we all went to the harbor for lunch. My brother and I had the salmon fillet, Mom had the mahi-mahi, Pop had the original fish n chips, and my sister-in-law had sharkfish n chips. The meal was alright but a bit overpriced. There were a lot of people at the harbor, and when we left the line long all the way to the parking log.

My brother has been on the paleo diet; he is taller and even skinnier than me, and he has to eat rice so he won’t lose too much weight. I need to try this diet, because I have been gaining weight since 2016. But it is so hard especially with the bipolar; it gives me a headache just thinking about cooking, but maybe I can find easier ways to prepare those gluten-free foods. My parents do all the cooking, which is mostly Filipino food and rice. So, maybe, just try not to eat rice for awhile and stick to the meat and veggies? LOL.

As far as the rest of my health issues… I started a low dose of Cymbalta, which is an antidepressant that is also used for chronic pain, but my anxiety got worse when I was on it. So, I stopped taking it. I guess I will just take Tylenol and muscle relaxant as usual PRN–when the pain is really bad and I have more trouble sleeping than usual. The pain makes me so tired sometimes.

I have been cutting back on WoW, for one thing there’s nothing to do until the new expac is released on Aug 14th. If I need to something to do other than reading and listening to audiobooks and watching TV, I work on leveling my Lightforged Draenei Paladin for the heritage armor. Let me just say, Prot/Ret Pally is the most boring tank/melee class I’ve played ever. But it’s just an alt, so NBD.

Other than that, I still think about my writing everyday, though I haven’t done much, just been noting down all my ideas.

Beta Test

I got an invite from Blizzard for the Battle For Azeroth Beta test, so I’ve been checking it out. It feels like kind of a mess honestly. Cutscenes, artwork, voice acting, design, so much unfinished, and it’s supposed to be released in 3 months! The last time I was invited to a beta test was for Cataclysm, and it didn’t feel as incomplete as this. It is very much still in the works.

In other WoW related news, I quit tanking for my women’s guild raid. I was feeling very frustrated because we have not been progressing because some players would bring different toons every week. For the past four weeks we have been getting to the 7th boss in the instance, but a couple weekends ago, the guild leader and raid leader and other players all brought alts. I was rather upset because the week before, the raid leader said we would start on the harder bosses for progression, but instead of a clean run we wiped on every boss and only killed 5. I thought we were going to continue our progression. That was the third week in a row that the raid leader had brought an alt because she wanted to gear it up. She has brought a demon hunter, hunter, and death knight. And last week she brought a Druid!

We only raid once a week, but this time because most everyone brought their mains we killed the first 6 with no wipes. But when we got to our progression boss we only had about 40 mins to work on him, which is not a lot of time at all. By then, I was feeling very tired and stressed because I could not get in a good rhythm with the off-tank and I was not getting the taunt timing right. It was very frustrating for me. Not to mention I was in pain in my neck and shoulders and my lower back to the point that my legs and feet were feeling cold. I was stressing out all week from the pain and taking Tylenol and muscle relaxants and having trouble sleeping. Now, I was starting to feel obligated, and when that happens, it is a sign that I am not having fun in raid anymore 😦

I am gonna miss tanking though because I like the challenge. I am also disappointed because I never really felt like I fit in. I’m the kind of raider that comes prepared and doesn’t expect to be carried. And I always want to do my best. So, it was just not fun to me because I felt disappointed in people. I felt disappointed in myself. But I just couldn’t take it anymore. I am tired and hurting and need to do what’s best for me and take care of my health.

Besides, in 3 months my guildies in Prime will be back. A couple of us are still playing and I had tried to get an alts raid going but we could never get a full team or at least 8 to sign up. I am a little sad I won’t be doing any raiding at all because it was like the only social activity I did on a regular weekly schedule.

Since I got nothing else, I think I will probably be going to therapy more often now. LOL. Idk why I still cry when I talk about my past sometimes. I thought I had put it behind me, I don’t actively think about my stuff everyday, but maybe it’s all there in the back of my head or something and it all comes out when I have to talk about it. Well, not all of it, because my therapist wants to me to come in next week again so we can talk more about my relationships. Sigh. Idk what I’m supposed to learn from all this.

Relationship status: It’s complicated

What I learned about myself this week:

1) I don’t trust people.

2) I don’t think people like me or would like me if they knew the real me.

3) I’m afraid of getting hurt.

4) I want to be to close to people, but I’m also scared to be.

5) I’m very lonely but I can’t decide if I should try to find someone to be with or not.

6) I have doubts. A relationship would be a lot of work, and I like my freedom. But I also miss human companionship, the physical things like hugs and kisses.

7) I can’t remember what it feels like to be in love. Maybe, I’ve never been in love.

8) I can’t remember what happiness feels like.

9) And then, I remember London.

10) I remember my first love. The one who got away because I was scared and nervous and afraid I would mess up. I was afraid he wouldn’t like me or he would end up breaking up with me or he would make fun of me or laugh at me and it would all hurt. All these teenage fears of being humiliated and rejected.

11) I think maybe I still have them today.

Poem: Horror Stories

I’ve lived a thousand lives in one

More than enough

I’ve been through so many horrors

That each one could fill

A thousand books

Or at the very least a dozen

 

But no one lives forever

At some point

Each of these lives will be snuffed out

Like candles

Or books set on fire

Fragile pages exploding into ash

 

Ashes drifting in the cosmos

 

Each horror story extinguished

To my greatest relief

Because Blue Flowers

I am in a bit of a good mood, which I don’t expect to last long. I got a massage yesterday, and it felt so good because my shoulders are so tight and knotted. I am going back next week for more. It’s just something I need right.

I am still having trouble sleeping. Partly because my shoulders hurt, but also because I have so many worries and anxieties and think too much. My therapist thinks that if I work through all the things I carry inside, if I process my stuff, I can get closure and heal. I don’t even know what healing feels like. I seem to equate it with weakness or something foreign to me because I don’t believe I’m innately a real good person, I’m not spiritual or anything, and I have this weird ego. I feel so fake just saying that word, healing. How can that be me? Healing sounds like something only positive people and like really kind and spiritual people do. But I am just sick of having all these secrets and not feeling strong inside. Of not owning my story and taking in pride in it.

I talk about my parents and my deep resentments in therapy a lot. I feel unhappy because my parents never change. Even though I know they love me and mean well, I don’t like the way they show it. They worry about me so much it irritates me and makes me feel guilty. And they’re so pushy that sometimes their advice feels like criticism. They tell me when I’m gaining weight and what they think I should eat and what I should to to lose weight. Now, they want me to drink a tea from Thailand made from blue flowers because they saw a Filipino guy on TV who said eating the flowers got rid of his bipolar. I know they want to help me, but sigh… no blue flowers are gonna magically cute my illness. Plus, it doesn’t taste like anything or make me feel warm and good inside like the strawberry white tea I normally drink. It’s actually a green tea which I love. Tastes so good.

Anyway so I’ve decided that since I can’t change my parents, I could try changing my emotions and behavior when they irritate me. Lately whenever I feel bad or guilty about being grumpy toward them I end up feeling I have to do something nice for them or make it up somehow. Like I try really hard to be patient when my dad starts talking even though I really don’t want to talk or care about the conversation. Idk why but I get so easily triggered when my parents communicate because I don’t feel invested in 90% of their conversations. Especially my dad who goes on and on with trivial things I couldn’t care less about. Plus, he’s always buying stuff just because it’s on sale and showing it to me like it’s some kind of treasure when all I see is clutter and not only that but it pisses my mom off because she thinks he’s wasting money and just takes up space in the house and my dad leaves all his mess around. Lol. Family.

So, now, my thing is to try to just accept it and try not to get irritated or snap at my parents and be nice. Then I won’t feel so guilty and bad about myself. Lol. Because they never hear me anyway. And I have never felt comfortable talking to them about my feelings. I especially can’t talk to them about my secrets.