What I learned about myself this week:
1) I don’t trust people.
2) I don’t think people like me or would like me if they knew the real me.
3) I’m afraid of getting hurt.
4) I want to be to close to people, but I’m also scared to be.
5) I’m very lonely but I can’t decide if I should try to find someone to be with or not.
6) I have doubts. A relationship would be a lot of work, and I like my freedom. But I also miss human companionship, the physical things like hugs and kisses.
7) I can’t remember what it feels like to be in love. Maybe, I’ve never been in love.
8) I can’t remember what happiness feels like.
9) And then, I remember London.
10) I remember my first love. The one who got away because I was scared and nervous and afraid I would mess up. I was afraid he wouldn’t like me or he would end up breaking up with me or he would make fun of me or laugh at me and it would all hurt. All these teenage fears of being humiliated and rejected.
11) I think maybe I still have them today.
The other day, my parents were talking in the kitchen. My dad said that maybe they were too critical of me when I was growing up. He said that maybe kids ought to be praised more. My mom said that they might have been critical but I turned out okay, that I’m a good person anyway. I just felt like crying. Because there were many times when things didn’t turn out okay.
Things didn’t turn out okay when I used to abuse alcohol in high school and college with guys who it turns out were not my friends, and to this day I still have self-destructive urges to get so fucking faded I start telling everyone my writing is meaningless crap. I guess it’s okay that I have good values. I believe that love should win. I believe in equal rights and social justice. And I believe all this because I don’t want any girl to grow up the way I did. Feeling like I didn’t matter. Because it wasn’t okay that I used to wish I hadn’t been born. And that I hadn’t been born a girl.
Because in my family, when I was growing up, girls needed to be controlled and protected so they wouldn’t be bad or make mistakes or have feelings. Because there would be consequences. Like mothers who blamed you for being such a bad girl you almost caused them a heart attack, or slapped you across the face for talking back with SARCASM, or called you a bitch in heat, or threw you out of the house because you wouldn’t break up with your fabulously eventual ex-boyfriend. When I was growing up, girls who wrote in their diaries that they dreamed about kissing a boy were told they were malicious and ought to be ashamed of themselves. Have you no shame? their mothers screamed.
Girls like me, do you remember those times? If you’ve been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, I’m here to tell you there’s nothing wrong with you. You have an illness, and it’s not your fault. You deserve the best. You deserve to shine. And you will always deserve better.
Because, girl, you matter.
Last week I told my therapist that since the election I’ve felt helpless, powerless, and hopeless. When Hillary lost, I felt so sad, it really was like someone had died, and our hopes and dreams died with them. I felt like I hadn’t done enough to fight the tyranny of Donal Trump. I told my therapist that every morning I woke up thinking about my problems. Her advice to me was to think about the good things about me or the things I like about myself, and to think about the things I’m grateful for.
Well, today I’m grateful for my friends who answer my text messages and phone calls, chat with me on Facebook, and return my emails, and my generous friend who took me out last Saturday and bought me a glass of wine, who made me feel normal, who took me out of the house, out of a place that too often feels unsafe and oppressive. I’m grateful for the people who see me as a good writer and the one or two who look up to me as someone they can learn from, who can help them be better writers, and those who value my feedback. I’m grateful to those who actually listen to me and care about what I have to say.
Continue reading “Am I resilient?”
After my shaman Nnedi dinged 110 the other day, I changed her race to Draenei because I am switching my main in this expac and will be raiding on my shaman instead of my hunter. I had rolled a dwarf because I wanted to play a different start zone, but playing a dwarf just didn’t feel like me, especially when I’m in dungeons. I’m so used to hearing that Draenei voice in my head and seeing her specific character animations. Plus, dwarves drink beer, while I’m more into vodka cocktails 🙂
My shaman Draenei looks almost exactly like my hunter they could be twins, except she has a slightly softer facial expression. My hunter on the other hand looks kinda angry, fierce, and defiant. IMO, Nnedi looks steady, strong, and ready. I wanted a change this expac, to feel excited again and have more fun, to explore this new character and develop her to be as powerful as I can. I’ve been playing hunter since 2006 (ten years!), and I’m ready for a new challenge.
Continue reading “Nnedi – 110 Draenei Elemental Shaman”