MMOs and Depression

One of the top players in the WoW MDI scene recently announced that he was taking a break from WoW and streaming because he was depressed. He cited how isolated he had become, how he hadn’t been connecting with his friends and working out, which is apparently something that helps him stay balanced. (Exercise is actually good for you, can you believe it? My psychiatrist always tells me I need to exercise more, it will help with the depression, arthritis, chronic pain, etc.) One of my friends thought that this player shouldn’t play in the MDI finals at all, because he wouldn’t have enough practice, wouldn’t be ready, and would cause his team to fail. I had more sympathy. I thought it was brave of this player to speak out about his mental health, because speaking out about your mental health, especially if you have a high public profile, can help erase the stigma.

In a way, I can relate to what this player is going through. I think I’ve been depressed and anxious for most of my life. I’ve also been playing video games for a very long time. My dad bought an Atari when I was in 5th grade, and I remember watching him beat Pac-man over and over. This is one of the few childhood memories of me and my dad and brother having fun. Anyway, so I started getting seriously depressed (to the point I needed therapy and probably medication) during grad school. Maybe, the depression became worse because I was writing something like creative nonfiction or personal narratives. They were mostly stories based on my past experience. Relationships with men/boys, with my parents. The things I carry that my most recent therapist believes prevent me from living a normal life. And are the reason I distrust men and getting close to people in general, and have difficulty maintaining friendships and relationships. Basically because I’m afraid of getting hurt. I saw a therapist in my last year of grad school. Intensive sessions that dug up a lot of stuff, memories, that I hadn’t dealt with and recovered from. I was in a bad relationship at the time, didn’t have any friends outside of that relationship, and although my brother lived in the area, about 30 mins drive away, we weren’t exactly friends either. I didn’t know how to talk to him about my personal stuff, it was just embarrassing to bring up those things I was having enough difficulty processing in therapy.

Around the time I finished grad school, the guy I was living with at the time broke up with me. He gave me until the end of the month for me to move out, although we had shared the lease, and he didn’t own the apartment. I had to find a place pretty quickly. All I could afford was a studio apartment whose rent was $750/mo. I could barely afford it. I was working as a freelance typesetter; most of my jobs were with an independent academic publisher. But it wasn’t enough. I worried about money a lot. How I was going to pay for my (private) health insurance, so I could continue therapy and receive treatment for other health conditions, like my heart arrhythmia. As I said above, I didn’t have any friends. Since I really liked playing video games, I started playing an MMORPG, Guild Wars, and made friends in the game. My therapist however was concerned that I was so isolated. He said that I needed to make friends in the real world because after I came out of the game I would have nowhere to go and no one to talk to. A video can’t love you back, can’t provide the social support, the physical contact that most humans need to feel less alone and taken care of. Soon enough, my depression worsened. I had gotten an office job similar to my freelance job, which would enable me to pay my rent and receive health insurance through my employer. But I didn’t even finish the training. I had trouble sleeping, my anxiety was so bad I called in sick, and I was told not to come back. I became suicidal. I was hospitalized for 15 days in a psych ward.

When I was discharged, I saw a new therapist who lived closer to my apartment and whom my inpatient caseworkers thought would be able to help me better. I had to sign a contract with my new therapist, who confiscated all my games, which at that time were contained on discs and in retail boxes. I hadn’t uninstalled the games at first, but in order to receive treatment, my therapist insisted I uninstalled them. It makes me laugh a little when I think about that. But I think my therapists and caseworkers really meant the best. Now, I use WoW as a distraction, something to do when I get out of bed, something to keep me going during the day, something to look forward to when I wake up. But there are probably other things I can do as well. Walk the dog, which I should do more often. Write more. Read more. Get out of the house. Take a walk at the marina (while wearing a mask). Yet, thinking about all that makes me so tired.

I’ve been depressed lately. WoW has been depressing. I hate all the dungeons. Tanking them sucks. I wanted the KSM achievement, but I don’t think it’s worth the stress and anxiety, shoulder and knee pain. I’m just satisfied I got to tank a heroic raid and achieve AOTC with my guild. Raid tanking is all around easier than tanking some of these new dungeons in Shadowlands. Now, I just want a break. I want to sleep better. I wanna rest my shoulders. I want to write. I want to find new meaning in life. I don’t wanna see WoW. I don’t even feel like logging on today. I hardly played yesterday except to farm a few bosses in raid. I miss language and words, my ways of speaking outside of WoW. At this time, I want to practice writing more than practice tanking an m+ dungeon. And I want to feel happy. I remember that feeling when I conclude a story or a poem that I know no one else could write but me. That’s the stuff that makes me feel special and awesome, and at the same time humble. It’s a small thing but also I think the best thing I bring into the world, that maybe makes the world just a little bit of a better place.

2020 Writing Practice

Like last year, my Goodreads reading goal for 2020 is 75 books. This year, I will also review every book I read or audiobook I listen to.

I’ve already completed audiobook reviews for Books 2 & 3 in the Captive Prince series by C.S. Pacat. I found out while writing my reviews that I felt like a better person afterward. And I liked who I was a bit more.

I like being able to express my views in a clear and concise manner, and though I don’t write as well as I think I should and am capable of, the writing practice is good for me.

It helps me to think critically and analytically, and I enjoy it. It’s like solving a puzzle or presenting an argument but with the confidence and knowledge that I’m getting it right.

Now if I could replicate that experience in my fiction writing I’d feel happier and have more belief that my life has meaning and purpose. As I was growing up, my belief in my writing was my guiding light. It was also a form of therapy for me in the dark times.

When I was a teenager I was arrogant about my writing. I don’t know if it was a bipolar symptom or if I was just being a teenager. I know though that I wasn’t quite emotionally stable and put together when I was in my teens.

In fact, all through my life I’ve had those ups and downs when I was less and more self-aware. Sometimes, I was blind to my flaws. Other times, I was all too aware of them.

I haven’t changed all that much in terms of my emotional maturity. There are many times when my emotions feel so out of control that I can’t see outside myself. When I can’t regulate my emotions, calm the fuck down, and think things through.

I think that updating this blog regularly will help me to both practice writing and have some clarity about what I’m feeling and what I’m going through.

I want to be a better person, to feel like a better person, and to like who I am. I believe practicing my writing will help me achieve my self-reflecting, self-improving goals, as well as get me closer to realizing my long-term goal of writing and publishing novels and maybe a memoir. Yay! Just having a dream makes me feel a little better too.

Opposite Action

Opposite Action is a DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) skill that can help you to regulate negative or distressful emotions. This skill helps you change your emotions by doing the opposite of what your emotions are leading you to do.

Yesterday, I was feeling all kinds of negative emotions. I was angry at my parents, mostly my mom, and sad that my life wasn’t the way I wanted it to be. My brother, his wife, and their dog are visiting until Sunday (though last night they stayed in LA, because my brother’s wife had a work meeting there).

Whenever my brother visits, my parents buy and make a lot of food. This time, my brother also brought back a box of macadamia cookies from Hawaii, where he and his wife had recently attended their friend’s wedding. Now, my mom keeps reminding me not to eat too much so I won’t gain weight.

I really do want to lose weight to alleviate the pain in my back and knees. I lost 5 lbs in the first 3 weeks going gluten-free. I have tried sticking to the diet but it is kinda hard, especially now with all the good food in the house. And my mom’s nagging doesn’t help.

Whenever my mom or dad irritates or angers me, I want to do something to get back at them indirectly. I turn that anger inward and do something that will hurt me, because I feel like neither arguing with them nor simply expressing my feelings will produce the result I want/need. Which is basically an understanding or an apology or a promise not to do it again.

Whenever my mom clucks at me to watch my eating or tells me I’m gaining weight again, I get so angry because it feels like she does this every freaking day. And not in a good helpful way either but in the critical tone she’s had since my childhood. (My parents don’t see me as a sensitive person, they see me as an over-reactive person.)

Luckily, because I’m also doing the intermittent fasting thing where I don’t eat after 5pm and before 8 or 9am, I can tell her confidently that I haven’t gained any weight. But it still irritates me that she seemingly watches my behavior like a hawk and repeats her endless advice on how to lose weight.

It’s like she’s trying to train me to behave a certain way, but her training style is pretty ineffective, because I don’t enjoy it. (This is probably why our dogs aren’t fully potty-trained either, because my mom insists on doing it her way which does not involve the treats-reward method. I however am trying.)

Anyway, now that my brother, his wife, and the cookies are here, and my parents are stressing me out so much for many reasons, my reaction, because I feel helpless and angry and rebellious, is to EAT THE DAMN GOOD COOKIES. The dark chocolate and white chocolate and coffee flavored macadamia cookies.

Needless to say, in 2006, I failed DBT therapy, and I still have awful coping skills. I should have taken out one of the DBT emotion regulation worksheets and identified my emotions, figured out what my emotions were leading me to do and what the opposite action would be, and do the opposite action instead of eating a bunch of sugar-loaded cookies that would be detrimental to my pain management goals. LOL.

For the past year, one of my favorite things to do when I’m feeling bad is to jump on the computer and kill monsters in WoW… for hours at a time… aggravating the arthritis pain in my back, which eventually caused my current knee pain. Of course, I can still go on the computer and play a video game, but I got to do a stretching exercise immediately after 45 mins or so.

I want to come up with other actions I can do to make me feel better inside. What’s the opposite action to eating a cookie whenever my mom makes me angry with her constant nagging? I need to do something a little more empowering or proactive than simply not eating the cookie. I need to do something that makes me feel better about being me rather than making me feel worse. It could be doing something as simple as exercise or… writing. Something that makes me feel independent, like my own person, something that comes from inside me, something I can call my own.

Beta Test

I got an invite from Blizzard for the Battle For Azeroth Beta test, so I’ve been checking it out. It feels like kind of a mess honestly. Cutscenes, artwork, voice acting, design, so much unfinished, and it’s supposed to be released in 3 months! The last time I was invited to a beta test was for Cataclysm, and it didn’t feel as incomplete as this. It is very much still in the works.

In other WoW related news, I quit tanking for my women’s guild raid. I was feeling very frustrated because we have not been progressing because some players would bring different toons every week. For the past four weeks we have been getting to the 7th boss in the instance, but a couple weekends ago, the guild leader and raid leader and other players all brought alts. I was rather upset because the week before, the raid leader said we would start on the harder bosses for progression, but instead of a clean run we wiped on every boss and only killed 5. I thought we were going to continue our progression. That was the third week in a row that the raid leader had brought an alt because she wanted to gear it up. She has brought a demon hunter, hunter, and death knight. And last week she brought a Druid!

We only raid once a week, but this time because most everyone brought their mains we killed the first 6 with no wipes. But when we got to our progression boss we only had about 40 mins to work on him, which is not a lot of time at all. By then, I was feeling very tired and stressed because I could not get in a good rhythm with the off-tank and I was not getting the taunt timing right. It was very frustrating for me. Not to mention I was in pain in my neck and shoulders and my lower back to the point that my legs and feet were feeling cold. I was stressing out all week from the pain and taking Tylenol and muscle relaxants and having trouble sleeping. Now, I was starting to feel obligated, and when that happens, it is a sign that I am not having fun in raid anymore 😦

I am gonna miss tanking though because I like the challenge. I am also disappointed because I never really felt like I fit in. I’m the kind of raider that comes prepared and doesn’t expect to be carried. And I always want to do my best. So, it was just not fun to me because I felt disappointed in people. I felt disappointed in myself. But I just couldn’t take it anymore. I am tired and hurting and need to do what’s best for me and take care of my health.

Besides, in 3 months my guildies in Prime will be back. A couple of us are still playing and I had tried to get an alts raid going but we could never get a full team or at least 8 to sign up. I am a little sad I won’t be doing any raiding at all because it was like the only social activity I did on a regular weekly schedule.

Since I got nothing else, I think I will probably be going to therapy more often now. LOL. Idk why I still cry when I talk about my past sometimes. I thought I had put it behind me, I don’t actively think about my stuff everyday, but maybe it’s all there in the back of my head or something and it all comes out when I have to talk about it. Well, not all of it, because my therapist wants to me to come in next week again so we can talk more about my relationships. Sigh. Idk what I’m supposed to learn from all this.

Because Blue Flowers

I am in a bit of a good mood, which I don’t expect to last long. I got a massage yesterday, and it felt so good because my shoulders are so tight and knotted. I am going back next week for more. It’s just something I need right.

I am still having trouble sleeping. Partly because my shoulders hurt, but also because I have so many worries and anxieties and think too much. My therapist thinks that if I work through all the things I carry inside, if I process my stuff, I can get closure and heal. I don’t even know what healing feels like. I seem to equate it with weakness or something foreign to me because I don’t believe I’m innately a real good person, I’m not spiritual or anything, and I have this weird ego. I feel so fake just saying that word, healing. How can that be me? Healing sounds like something only positive people and like really kind and spiritual people do. But I am just sick of having all these secrets and not feeling strong inside. Of not owning my story and taking in pride in it.

I talk about my parents and my deep resentments in therapy a lot. I feel unhappy because my parents never change. Even though I know they love me and mean well, I don’t like the way they show it. They worry about me so much it irritates me and makes me feel guilty. And they’re so pushy that sometimes their advice feels like criticism. They tell me when I’m gaining weight and what they think I should eat and what I should to to lose weight. Now, they want me to drink a tea from Thailand made from blue flowers because they saw a Filipino guy on TV who said eating the flowers got rid of his bipolar. I know they want to help me, but sigh… no blue flowers are gonna magically cute my illness. Plus, it doesn’t taste like anything or make me feel warm and good inside like the strawberry white tea I normally drink. It’s actually a green tea which I love. Tastes so good.

Anyway so I’ve decided that since I can’t change my parents, I could try changing my emotions and behavior when they irritate me. Lately whenever I feel bad or guilty about being grumpy toward them I end up feeling I have to do something nice for them or make it up somehow. Like I try really hard to be patient when my dad starts talking even though I really don’t want to talk or care about the conversation. Idk why but I get so easily triggered when my parents communicate because I don’t feel invested in 90% of their conversations. Especially my dad who goes on and on with trivial things I couldn’t care less about. Plus, he’s always buying stuff just because it’s on sale and showing it to me like it’s some kind of treasure when all I see is clutter and not only that but it pisses my mom off because she thinks he’s wasting money and just takes up space in the house and my dad leaves all his mess around. Lol. Family.

So, now, my thing is to try to just accept it and try not to get irritated or snap at my parents and be nice. Then I won’t feel so guilty and bad about myself. Lol. Because they never hear me anyway. And I have never felt comfortable talking to them about my feelings. I especially can’t talk to them about my secrets.

Am I resilient?

Last week I told my therapist that since the election I’ve felt helpless, powerless, and hopeless. When Hillary lost, I felt so sad, it really was like someone had died, and our hopes and dreams died with them. I felt like I hadn’t done enough to fight the tyranny of Donal Trump. I told my therapist that every morning I woke up thinking about my problems. Her advice to me was to think about the good things about me or the things I like about myself, and to think about the things I’m grateful for.

Well, today I’m grateful for my friends who answer my text messages and phone calls, chat with me on Facebook, and return my emails, and my generous friend who took me out last Saturday and bought me a glass of wine, who made me feel normal, who took me out of the house, out of a place that too often feels unsafe and oppressive. I’m grateful for the people who see me as a good writer and the one or two who look up to me as someone they can learn from, who can help them be better writers, and those who value my feedback. I’m grateful to those who actually listen to me and care about what I have to say.

Saturday Picture-Taking

My therapist has been encouraging me to do something different from my routine at least once a week. My routine consists of staying in my room all day, reading, working on my book review blog (which I will be discontinuing in October), watching TV (can’t wait for the new season of The Voice), and only going out to the drugstore, doctor appointments, massage therapy, and psychotherapy, and leaving my room to eat, etc. Sometimes, I go out to the garden for some sun and fresh air. Infrequently, I take 15-20 minute walks around the neighborhood.

Well, this weekend I did something totally outside my routine. My brother Eric and his fiance Elsa came to town for wedding preparations. They are getting married in October. On Friday, they went to meet the pastor, who is officiating their wedding, and the caterer. Though Eric and Elsa live in the SF Bay Area, they decided to have the wedding and reception at the Embassy Suites here in town, because we have a lot of family coming from the LA San Fernando Valley area, which is about a 45-50 minute drive versus a 6-hour drive to the Bay Area. Elsa’s immediate family, a few relatives and friends, however, we will driving down and staying in town for the wedding.