Am I resilient?

Last week I told my therapist that since the election I’ve felt helpless, powerless, and hopeless. When Hillary lost, I felt so sad, it really was like someone had died, and our hopes and dreams died with them. I felt like I hadn’t done enough to fight the tyranny of Donal Trump. I told my therapist that every morning I woke up thinking about my problems. Her advice to me was to think about the good things about me or the things I like about myself, and to think about the things I’m grateful for.

Well, today I’m grateful for my friends who answer my text messages and phone calls, chat with me on Facebook, and return my emails, and my generous friend who took me out last Saturday and bought me a glass of wine, who made me feel normal, who took me out of the house, out of a place that too often feels unsafe and oppressive. I’m grateful for the people who see me as a good writer and the one or two who look up to me as someone they can learn from, who can help them be better writers, and those who value my feedback. I’m grateful to those who actually listen to me and care about what I have to say.
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The Past Five Days

Yesterday, I had an appointment with my psychiatrist (who recently came back from visiting the Philippines, we talked about Duterte a little but mostly he complained about the smog and pollution). Anyway, he asked me if I knew about the website fivethirtyeight.com, which of course I have and which I refresh throughout the day. (I also compare 538 averages with Real Clear Politics.) My psychiatrist’s conclusion: Trump is toast. Meanwhile, no med changes for me, is good.

Personally, I think my main problem is my chronic neck and shoulder pain. It never goes away. Even if I take a break from the computer, it’s still there. It’s a constant companion and it bothers me. I wish I didn’t have all these problems in life. Things could be worse, right?

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Good Will Win

After the last debate, the Trump tapes, and all the women now coming forward and speaking out, #ImWithHer more than ever. The past week has been so triggering. I finally got to talk about it in therapy Wednesday, I didn’t have anyone else to talk to about it in person. It is just really hard to talk about. I can’t talk to my family and friends IRL. I haven’t told anyone except mental health professionals about my whole story. But I know I’m not the only one. My therapist told me that a lot of women have been feeling the same way, have been just as affected and triggered. I was depressed for most of the week and cried a few times, but I am feeling better now. Michelle Obama’s speech yesterday was so powerful and uplifting. Women and people of color are gonna save our democracy because that’s what this election is about. Saving our democracy from a tyrant. And it’s also about being good to people and treating them with the dignity and respect they deserve. But I think even after the election, our country will still and even more so be divided, because even if Trump isn’t elected, his brand of hatred won’t simply go away. We just have to hope that like Anne Frank said people really are good at heart, and that good will win this election.

Live streaming WoW to Facebook

Blizzard has a new feature: live streaming to Facebook with the Battle.net app. I’ve been trying it out on my Facebook page, and I might be becoming addicted. LOL. So many reasons to play WoW now, and so many endgame activities! However, it’s affecting my sleep and eating routines, and I have enough trouble sleeping when I’m not playing WoW. LOL. I’ve been a little depressed lately, and I want to get back to a more regular schedule.

I don’t usually eat after 6pm, except to have a small snack of some sort. But lately, because I’ve been waking up so tired, I haven’t felt like eating in the morning. So, I’ve been eating later and staying up late. Not exactly the best thing for my mental and physical health (chronic shoulder, neck, and back pain) to play WoW this much. But this expac is way funner than Warlords of Draenor, and leveling up was so much easier and quicker. Now, it’s all about leveling up my artifact weapon and gearing up for raiding.
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Brightpaw

I started playing WoW again not only for fun and social interaction with my guildies, but also for a distraction from my problems and frustration with politics. I guess, as a way to relieve some of my stress and anxieties. But you can’t get away from this election even in WoW. For instance, a couple days ago when I was leveling my dwarf shaman in the Legion invasions, some dude invited me to join a guild named “Make Azeroth Great Again.” LMAO. NOPE. And yes, I saw in trade chat some of those LOCKHERUP hate speech. Next time, I see something like that, I’m reporting it.

Anyway, I fast-leveled my shaman Nnedi (named after the SFF author Nnedi Okorafor) to 60 in about six hours over three days by resetting the Legion invasions over and over. I did about 20 levels in 2 hours. Then, I used my character boost to level her to 100, with skinning and leatherworking maxed to 700. I’ve only got one more alt (my monk) to level to 100. This Tuesday, Blizz did a hotfix so that the invasions aren’t on a timer and are basically ongoing. It’s tempting to level more alts, but it is kind of a pain already. And it takes longer from 90 to 100. Plus, I don’t need another alt at this time, with the expansion coming out on Tuesday! Yay! Can’t wait.
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Looking for Imagination

I figured I haven’t been writing lately because I’ve been watching too much TV, specifically politics on MSNBC. I’ve been obsessed with the 2016 election cycle. It’s probably not all that good for my mental health, because the news can be depressing and can cause fear and anxiety, and I have enough anxiety in my life already. I take 3mg of Ativan a day because of my anxiety.

Yesterday, I saw my psychiatrist. I told him I was okay, but I haven’t been doing any writing. My mood though has been pretty stable, so we didn’t make any changes to my meds. I haven’t been badly depressed. I just feel like I don’t have a lot of motivation, inspiration, and energy to write. As always, my psychiatrist advised me to exercise or go walking. Taking walks has been a real struggle for me the past couple years. I hardly ever leave the house, and I’m very isolated and lonely.

I want to feel something. I want to feel passion and passionate about my book. I want to create again, but I don’t know where my imagination went. How can I write a book if I can’t even imagine it?