Rejection

Rejection is one of my worst triggers. According to some therapists, this comes from being an extraordinarily sensitive person and growing up with parents, especially a mom, who was constantly critical and had high expectations of who I should be.

Last March, I joined an LGBTQ+ ally guild in WoW that purported to be inclusive and safe. I joined the guild because I didn’t want to be around people who made dumb sexual jokes bordering on harassment, were crass at best and unethical at worst. Age-appropriate non-harassing sexual jokes are fine, but too much of it can be grating to the ears. I also thought I would be joining a guild that wasn’t elitist and was welcoming.

There was a little drama at first when the guild leader kicked everyone out of Discord due to officer in-fighting, and the guild was reformed with new leadership and a new name. Things were fine at the start. The new leadership liked me because I was a good tank, in their words a “great tank,” and they would invite me to tank their keys, in the +18-21 range. It felt nice to be a part of a group and be invited to tank high keys with similarly skilled players.

On m+ night, scheduled once a week, I would always be in their group tanking high keys. I was having fun. I got my AOTC achievement for tanking heroic raid, and I thought I had found my home in WoW, a place where I felt safe and belonged, and people liked me and had the same interest in running high keys. I felt I didn’t have to do it alone anymore. I had a home.

But when Season 2 started, the guild leaders hardly invited me to their group. They would only invite certain people whom they favored. They did not generally announce in guild chat or invite others unless they needed a spot filled. Usually, it was not for a tank spot.

Eventually, I came to realize that they had a clique. I had once been a part of it, but they didn’t want me anymore. So, instead of running keys with reliable players, I had to join random groups and hope I got lucky to join up with skilled players. On m+ night, instead of running keys with my former group, I was assigned to tank lower keys. I didn’t mind helping out the guildies. But I was resentful, angry, and hurt that I was being excluded from the group. I had joined the guild and declined an offer to tank for my former longtime raiding guild because I thought I had a good thing. I had found something that was good for me. I was doing something good for me. I was practicing self-care.

But more and more, I felt excluded. And when I found out that other guildies felt the same way and that some had left because they didn’t feel welcomed, I started to see that the guild wasn’t what it advertised to be. When you start a guild that claims to be an inclusive, safe space, you have to remember what it means to be inclusive and an ally.

You have to recognize that marginalized people will have specific needs and look for inclusive spaces because their needs were not met. Marginalized people might be more sensitive because they might have been bullied, harassed, rejected, and excluded in the past. They might have been victims of hate crimes. They might have been called slurs.

So, when you say “inclusive” and “diverse” and “safe,” marginalized people might take that to mean that they will be accepted and welcomed for who they are. Generally, I believe that marginalized people do not want to feel disliked. They do not want to be looked down on or treated like they’re less than. Just like most people.

In the end, I felt that the leadership was unkind to me and other guildies who had expected the guild to be more inclusive. I felt hurt and rejected, miserable and depressed, and I was too proud to beg the leadership to invite me to their group. I’m not the kind of person who likes to express my feelings because I’m afraid of being vulnerable and getting even more hurt.

I did talk to one of the women who used to invite me to their keys, and she said I was misperceiving things and denied that she was being cliquish. I left the guild because I did not see a way to resolve things. If she didn’t want me to join her group, then I wasn’t about to impose myself on people who didn’t want me around. I believed the best course for me was to find a place where I would be accepted and included and have similarly skilled players to run keys with me. About a week later, I found out that the other guildies who had stayed thought that I was the problem, which to me is ridiculous and ironic.

Anyway, so lesson learned… again. WoW is a game, and it’s highly competitive. Players might have good intentions and say all the right, tactful things, but they’re more than likely out for themselves. Don’t have any expectations, don’t get too personal, and you won’t get hurt. It is seldom you make a real friend in WoW who gets you, doesn’t judge you, sees the best and worst in you, likes you anyway, and accepts you for who you are.

Maybe, I’m not a likable person. I’m highly opinionated, I have certain values, I’m a person of color, and I’m a feminist. But I can’t say that in WoW, I can’t be myself in WoW, or I’ll probably be hated on. So, I haven’t been playing WoW all that much lately. It’s boring, and I like to tank, and now I don’t have a tank spot in a raiding guild anywhere.

I’ve been playing Diablo 4 a lot more, because I can play it solo and it’s a fun way to pass the time. I also listen to audiobooks while I’m playing. Which is good for the writer in me. Reading helps to improve your vocabulary and critical thinking, and it’s fun. I love it.

Taking time off from WoW means that I have more time for writing. I’ve begun working on the writing project I started 2 years ago, but sidelined when I started playing WoW again. Hopefully, this go around, I’ll finish it. I’ve got lots of material I can work with already. I just have to keep moving forward. I can’t give up.