this is why i’m not a princess

My mother is frustrating and stressing me out. My parents are celebrating their 50th Golden Wedding Anniversary in November. They are expecting around 150 guests and have reserved a space at the Hilton, where they will be hosting the party. It will costs probably over 10K. The dress my mom bought for me to wear at this party itself costs $1k.

The problem is I hate the dress. It’s a Filipiniana-themed party, which means the guests will be wearing tradition Filipiniana-style clothes. See examples here: https://www.kulturafilipino.com/collections/filipiniana

The dress my mom bought is too tight, especially around the bosom and hips. It’s like a ballgown, with a bell skirt and a high waist, which is incredibly uncomfortable. I told my mom I wanted something easier to wear. Like a woman’s barong, which has a straight cut, and if I have to wear a skirt, I’d like it to be a straight too, with a lower waistline. But my mom wants things her way, and this is her party, and she won’t be happy if I don’t wear the stupid dress.

So, the dress is going to be adjusted, but my mom also wants me to lose weight so I will look better in the dress and overall just better. Or prettier. Or like a princess or something.

Well, I get it. I should lose weight because I’m not a svelte size 2 or 6 or 8 anymore. I’m going to be fifty in a couple years, so of course, I should look like my twenty-five year-old figure. I also should care very much what people think about my appearance.

My goal is to be healthy. Lower my cholesterol and not get diabetes and other diseases caused by weight gain and unhealthy eating habits. And I’ve been really good about what I eat. I don’t eat white rice or white bread anymore. I actually don’t eat any rice. I tried quinoa but I didn’t like it. So, mostly, I eat meat and vegetables, salads, cheese, fruits, etc. I’m fine with my diet. I’m also actually fine with my weight. Whether I lose weight or not, I think I’m going to be fine.

I’m not bothered by my weight as much as the stress I get because every day my mom has some new suggestion on what I should eat and tips on how I can lose weight. This morning, she asked me if I was frustrated with my weight. I told her that she’s the one who’s frustrating me. Sigh. I couldn’t help it, because I am so stressed I feel like crying all the time. Anyway, my mom got mad and left.

I think the best solution would be to get another dress that I wouldn’t mind wearing for fuck’s sake.

My parents also want me to write and give a speech at their party. LMAO. I’m supposed to say nice things about my parents, their marriage, the love and support they’ve given me, how I admire them, how they raised me to be the person that I am, all their words of wisdom and things they taught me, etc. I don’t know what to say except the best things they’ve done for me is let me stay at their place so I won’t be homeless since I’m on disability. Also, they buy food. My dad picks up my meds and takes me to my appointments, because I don’t have a car anymore since the bank took it when I applied for bankruptcy like years and years ago and apparently my dad doesn’t trust me or want me to drive his car anymore. I used to drive it when my dad still had the Civic, but now, my parents only have two cars.

Whatever. I’m so tired.

I started playing WoW again because I got bored with my other games where I can’t really socialize with other players. Also, I needed a break from the writing because I kept getting stuck and that was frustrating too. And I needed an escape from real life.

I’m taking the writing slower now. I have a certain goal and tone in mind for the narrative, and I want it to be a serious but romantic and sexy novel that’s also funny at times.

I’m a selfish person, and I know it. I should be nicer to my parents, but sometimes, it’s just too hard. It would be easier to be nice to them if I didn’t live with them. But I don’t have much of a choice.