Worries

I worry about myself sometimes.

I only have one friend here in town but I only see her once or twice a year. I haven’t seen her since I visited her at the hospital when she had her baby. Her older sister lives literally around the block from my house. I could walk to her sister’s house but I have no reason to hang out with her sister, I’m not real close to her, and I wouldn’t even know what to say if I went over there.

I hardly go out, except to get my message every other week and go to my doctor appointments. I don’t see my therapist regularly; I see her when I’m feeling really, really bad inside and I can’t hold it in anymore and I need someone to talk to, to let it all out with. When I’m at my most depressed. I keep trying antidepressants, but my psychiatrist and I haven’t found one yet that I can tolerate. They have side-effects like palpitations or irregular heartbeat or sleepiness or anxiety or yawning all day.

I think I need more energy. More motivation to be around people. Sometimes, I feel so lonely, but I usually just find something to do. I read, listen to audiobooks, watch TV. Most of the time, I play WoW. Even when my shoulders and back are hurting. I take Tylenol so I can use the computer to play WoW. I need to do more, exercise, force myself to take a walk. I tried today. I walked around the garden, did a slow loop while I listened to an audiobook on my phone. It seems like the pain is getting worse over time.

It’s a vicious circle. The pain limits my activities. Most of the time, when I’m hurting, I just want to stay in bed, in my room. I never get enough sleep. Sometimes, I fall asleep thinking I’m not that depressed, I don’t need an antidepressant. Then, I wake up and feel all my loneliness, my aging bones, aching muscles, all the pain, and that peripheral sliver of darkness.

Sometimes, I turn on the TV to hear people’s voices, other than my parents, my inner voice, and my guildies’ voices in WoW. I have joined cross-realm WoW communities so I can meet more people, make more friends, but it’s not the same thing, is it, as having a real life friend. Someone I can call on the phone and make plans with, see a movie with, do something with that gets me out of the house.

Sometimes, I feel like I need more than this computer screen, in-game voice chat, text messages. Sometimes, I try to feel more, be more, do more, by escaping to my imagination, to the call of my novel, my characters, to have them tell stories that are reflections, I suppose, all of my feelings, wants, needs, dreams, and all the pain and memories. A fake memoir.

Though, my characters are real to me and are their own people, with their own stories, and stronger then me, I believe, because they are heroes and heroines. I want to build a great big world for them. I want them to find their happiness. I think I’m also writing their stories for people like me, those lonely, quiet people, those who need to feel something, be a part of something larger, to find inspiration in their own lives, to find their own strengths and be their own heroes or heroines.

Anyway, my shoulders hurt. I should try to sleep.

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